Hey Mac users, shutup!

I thought about this after observing the prices of mac books and mac desktops, and then comparing THAT baffling experience with the memory of one of my office mate's mac's swallowing her thesis manuscript (well, really imploding in on itself and regurgitating all of that pretentious mac-jargon and environmentally friendly computer components...but that's quite beside the point).

The 10 reasons that Apple must think is imperative for making the change from a PC to a MAC can be found on their website. Of course if you have the time to read through all of them you realize that these 10 features or reasons have been standard with the PC a long, long, long time. Some of the reasons are just plain myths that Apple invented. Probably because they ran out of fabricated facts.
So take the journey through the 10 commandments of a mac-enthusiast and enjoy their naive attitude towards personal computing.

1. The Mac... It just works

This is maybe the ultimate reason a mac owner will give you to explain why it's superior to a PC. The mac owner will tell you that all people that own macs are really satisfied with their computers and would never switch back. This is ofcourse not true. If you read our Real stories you will find all kinds of interesting stories about owning a mac.
The mac owner will also tell you that with a system from Apple you will never have to think about drivers, upgrades or anything. A mac is perfection itself when delivered. Atleast according to their standard. Many mac:s can't even be upgraded. So what you buy is what you get. Expect your system to be outdated within 1-2 years.
Apple also states: "Only with a Mac do you get an operating system built by the same people who built the computer it runs on.". Actually Apple's Mac OS X (the operating system) is not based on their own technology, but by the technology of freeBSD. Apple's own capabilities in form of creating an operating system have been demonstrated in previous versions of Mac OS. It took an operating system based on someone else's technology to get a Mac multitasking and not behaving like an oversized pocket calculator from 1985.


2. It doesn't crash (Bah!)

Yes it does! And it does it alot. The difference between a pc based on Windows crashing and a Mac is that on the pc the crash is in 99% of the cases caused by badly coded third party software, when the Mac just has a faulty operating system. Why else would Apple themselves run their india website on Linux RedHat?
There is another fun part about crashes on the mac, it's almost always impossible to trace the source of the crash. When your mac crashes you simply reinstall the system. Sounds like a fun thing to do on your spare time, well buy a Mac then!



3. Simply the best in digital music (*side note from me at the bottom)

This point is actually based on Apple's iPod. I must admit, the iPod is not an ugly creation. I'll give Apple credit for that. But as always, they exaggerate the benefits of their product. Apple was far from first with creating a portable mp3-player with a built in harddrive but on the other side they do offer the most expensive solution.
The iPod is about 40-60% more expensive than technologically equal products. Keep in mind also that it offers no recording option and no belt clip. Two very crucial benefits a portable mp3-player should have.



4. The missing link in digital photography

It's amazing! Apple has invented a program called iPhotos that will revolutionize the way we look at digital photos. Hear what they have to say: "Simply drag your mouse, and iPhoto magically grows or shrinks your photo thumbnails. So you can view individual shots in detail or see hundreds of photos on the screen at once...".
Maybe mac users are new to digital photos on the computer but on the pc we have a huge variety of freeware that does the job of iPhoto and more, to choose from. So when Apple says that they are "the missing link in digital photography" maybe what they meant was that iPhoto is the missing link of the Mac.
Windows users reached that stage of evolution ages ago.



5. Your own digital entertainment center

It seems that Apple thinks that they've revolutionized computing by developing mediocre software for viewing digital photos, editing video, burning CDs and DVDs and listening to music. Well they haven't!



6. Goes everywhere you go

You better sit down for this one, hold on to your seat and embrace yourself for some cutting edge news from Apple... they've invented the laptop, eureka! Not only that, they think they've made it superior to other laptops. Let's look at why and also try to answer their questions:

* Can your PC laptop go coast to coast with just one battery?
— Ofcourse. And if it only needs the performance of the Mac it could probably go around the world.
* Can you put the system to sleep just by closing the lid?
— Oh my god, a Mac can do that? Well, so can a PC!
* Does it wake up instantly?
—Duh!
* Can your PC laptop automatically switch between Ethernet,
dial-up and wireless connections on the fly?
—Without a doubt!
* Without a restart? (** again, special note from me at the bottom)
Is this a joke? This really proves that Apple has no clue on what their competitors are doing. If they never have used a PC running Windows it makes their tests and objective sayings about the Mac really credible. Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.



7. It's built for the internet

Apple makes a huge point about the ease of configuring an internet connection on a mac. All new Windows versions come with just as easy to use guides for connecting to the internet with modem, lan or anything else. They also brag about such obvious tools of communication like email, favorites and contacts. Yes Apple, this is really new and hot stuff, you are indeed innovative. Or maybe not.
The worst part might be that they lie about their under average video-plugin Quicktime. This might be one of the worst programs ever to install. Actually if some students at a university needed an example of a really poorly written program, this would be a perfect opportunity for Quicktime to step into the limelight.



8. Office is Office, and then some

Yes, the mac comes with Office and this is why you should make the switch from a pc to a mac:

"The transition to a Mac is easy in part because you’ll continue using the same applications you already know"

Ask yourself this: Why would I switch when It's the exactly same on the mac? -Beats me. Apple does speak of some mysterious features in this sentence:

"And thanks to exclusive features, the Mac versions improve on their Windows counterparts"

As you might expect they mention nothing on what these features are. Well they're probably just wonderfully, perfectly and amazingly non-existent!

(*** again, special note)



9. Works effortlessly with PCs

Apple thought for a long time that they'd be best off constructing their own method for network-communication. Everyone that has struggled with the glorious AppleTalk knows that they didn't do a great job. Now they have realized that it's better to use an already working technology that someone else created instead of poorly reinventing the wheel.

"Networking on a Mac is built on the same technologies used by PCs."

They also reveal amazing means of medias you can use on your mac:

..."you can also swap files via data CD, floppies or Zip disks."



10. It's beautiful

Apple emphasises that all their products are masterpieces of design. Their problem is that their focus on design hinders them from creating ergonomic and practical machines. If you have ever used the small round iMac mouse you have probably too suffered from aches in arm and hand.

"...ergonomic products that are the toast of the design world..."

It wasn't I who brought up the word toast into the debate. On the other hand it was I who drew the paralell to machines looking like plain household machines. Who wants a computer that look like a remnant from the 70's like the one on my right. You could probably achieve the same state of hallucination if staring long enough on this iMac, that you could by inhaling large amounts of heavy drugs.

So what have we learned from these 10 points that Apple provides for the potential buyer. We have learned that Apple likes to tell their future customers that the mac is built on technology they probably already are using on their PCs. They also lure the extremely naive buyers with words like internet, word-processing and cd-burning.

Please do not be fooled. You have nothing to gain by switching to a Mac. Apple has proved it on their own, with a little help from us.

*Also on this note, mac, despite hating PC and PC users, couldn't stand that idea of preventing PC users from purchasing the ipod, and therefore made itunes entirely accessible via the Windows operating system. With itunes and a fairly decent sound card, PCs actually surpass Macs in audio-capacity, flexibility, and performance. Thanks Mac! (No need for reason #3 I suppose)

**My PC laptop can have sex with your mom without restarting.

***Interestingly enough, all other mac devices (IE iphone, ipod touch, and the soon to be released LARGE ipod touch) do NOT have Office capabilities. In fact, the don't even have a comparable word processing program. (The ipod touch actually has a notepad device that looks like a sheet of yellow lined note-paper. No formatting, no fonts. Congrats Mac, you've pushed your PDA users back to the office tool equivalent of an uneducated construction worker taking job-site inventory!)

**** Another thing, mac. Those commercials! (Hello I'm a Mac!) Fuck off.

No, seriously, fuck off!

"Let's see, there are two types of people in this world: People who use Macs and people who use PCs. As a PR guy, I shouldn't be too concerned with people who already use Macs, because they're idiots anyway, and will continue to use my over-priced, wrongly advertised pieces of shit for as long as (revenue from the ipod) can keep our factories open!"

"No, we should REALLY try to recruit PC users. Bring them to our side! How can we do this?? Easy! Make fun of them, call them silly for using PCs, and claim them to be technologically deficient for NOT using our products!"

"Yes, yes that will do the trick! Soon, PC users will feel so bad about themselves, they'll be banging on our poly-flex-super-duper-environmentally-friendly Mac Store glass doors to spend $3000 on a new Mac!"

Or not.




Hey Mac,

I just ripped a full-length DVD screener, burned the movie to disc while editing photos, downloading music, and listening to a highly complex song by the Doobie Brothers.

Can your $3000 Mac do that??

My $1000 PC can.

Dear Mac,

Fuck off.

John

(parts of the preceding text..most..were borrowed from macs-suck.com. I didn't really cite properly, but neither did he...so I found it mostly ok. Kudos, though, to the author of that website.)